My Cliffhanger

Never have I thought that this would happen to me. After 22 years of watching it on tv and listening to friends talk about it, I have yet to experience it. I’ve always considered it an urban legend, a myth, a fable to teach the greedy. Surely after all these years, technology would have fixed this problem by now, right? WRONG. This happened to me two days ago, but rest assured I lived through it.

It was 4pm, and I had just finished class and had been studying for an hour when the hunger that had been growing since 2pm kicked into another gear. Every line I read reminded me of my need: “There are many secreted bacterial products including enzymes and steak. ‘DAMNIT, that can’t be right.’” Then I read a little further about endotoxins causing hypoglycemia which convinced me that I have low blood sugar right now and pretty soon my organs are going to shut down and go into shock. You might be assuming that this starvation is the “problem” I mentioned earlier. Well don’t assume. This gnawing hunger wasn’t the quandary I’m writing about, it’s the sequence of events that took place after I decided to hunt for food.

I was in the school, and the cafeteria had closed already, which left me with vending machines. I ran to the vending machine and surveyed my array of choices. Chips and candy bars are not usually my favorite but in my state of craving, the cooler ranch looked like baby back ribs and the twix looked like lobsters. I wanted it all. I looked into my wallet and had a twenty and an one. As I was uncreasing (Microsoft word tells me this is not a word, but screw spellcheck) my twenty, I noticed the machine only takes $1 bills. %#(%&#(*%& I took out my Washington and tried to find the heaviest snack. A bag of TGIF potato skins was the winner. I put in my dollar and punched in 134 –a number I will never forget. The hook unwound and the bag moved toward the drop area. I was watching it move slowly and slowly with a salivating smirk until… now I’m not a real fan of the phrase FML, but if there ever was a FML moment, it was now. As the bag was about to fall, it wobbled a little at the edge and somehow leaned backwards and clung onto its shelf. I stared in disbelief. Really? This kind of thing really happens? “Ok think, what do people usually do to solve this problem?” I hung my head, turned around and walked a few dejected steps away. Then charged the machine and smacked right into the front plastic window. It turned out to be extremely pliable and just bounced me right back. It was probably designed by engineers to prevent morons like me from ramming the thing. Touché. I couldn’t hit the side of the machine because it was flanked by two other ones, so all I could do is kick it from the bottom. I made such a commotion that the cleaning lady came over and asked me if I was ok. I really wasn’t but I said everything’s fine. She walked over to the machine and saw my bag of chips sitting defiantly on its perch, “That’s tough kiddo, you just have to put in another dollar.” I gave her the “if I had another dollar I would have used it by now” stare. She immediately understood. As I was about to give up, I realized I had quarters in my book bag for laundry! With renewed gusto I grabbed my coins (washing clothes is overrated anyways) and popped them in and punched 134. Lo and behold, both bags of chips fell down! Freedom! I tore open the first bag and with unwashed hands grabbed the chips and shoveled it into my mouth. I laughed, I cried, and I ate some more.

I’ll end my essay with the way President Obama ended his inaugural address, “Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.” Amen Brother!