Christmas Wishlist

My chimney's completely covered up which means Santa can't get in... that means it's up to you. Here's my list.

1.) Rest
2.) A panda... but I guess a puppy would do.
3.) Giants, 49ers, Rockets, and Nets all in the playoffs.
4.) Iphone4
5.) Someone to pay for my Iphone data plan
6.) Lotsa Snow
7.) Vacation to anywhere warm
8.) A good homecooked meal
9.) An extra stomach
10.) Facial Hair

Our Day

He wouldn’t have to go until 6pm, but he started getting ready at 4. Everything was going to be perfect. Everything had to be perfect. He flossed, brushed his teeth, and hopped into the shower. He scrubbed so hard his arms were turning red, but at least he smelled like “tropical rainforest aloe.” After the intense washing, he picked out his favorite brown shirt, dark jeans, pea coat and navy scarf and did a twirl in front of the mirror – sexy would have been an understatement. He thought about how to gel his hair but realized he only had one hair style. Then he proceeded to shave the few strands of fuzz that he confused for real facial hair. He forgot he had brushed earlier so he brushed his teeth again. Now he was ready; he looked at his watch and it was only 5. That hour was probably the longest hour of his life. He paced feverishly around his apartment trying to get the nerves out. 5:50…Close enough he thought, and he walked a whopping 10 steps down the hall and knocked on the door and waited. His heart was pounding, his palms were sweaty, and his knees were buckling. What should I say? he thought. Hi? Boring. Hey there? Creepy. How you doing? Double creepy. Then the door opened, “He…” “Hey you’re early, hold on,” she said. Really the best you can do was “he?”, he thought to himself. That’s not even a proper greeting. 14 years of schooling and you can’t even say hello. As he was chastising himself, he saw that her computer had facebook open with music playing and it seemed like she was all ready and waiting in advance too. She got her bag and came out, “Ready, where are we going?” “I told you, Rathbone, just kidding, it’s a surprise.” She had on a black and white striped shirt with a ridiculously long purple and white scarf hidden behind a pea coat. She was beautiful.

They walked out of the building and were greeted by a light snow flurry. The restaurant, Itnas Ottos, was only a block away but it was a cold and windy walk. He remembered every detail of the restaurant. They sat at a corner booth made of very hard wood. There was a heavy set man sitting at the bar, smoking and chatting with the blonde waitress. Across the room was another couple eating pizza. There was a tv over the counter in the front; it was the Bills vs the Cowboys on. She ordered eggplant parmesan and he ordered shrimp scampi. The waitress said the scampi was a great choice –she lied. The food was sub par, but their conversation made every bite worthwhile. He found out she loves vegetables, her favorite color is brown, her secret dream is to be a singer, and she played every sport in high school. She found out he is an only child, likes the color blue, and hates eggplants. The more they talked the more they felt comfortable with each other. He felt like he already knew her very well but still had so much to find out. She described what her hometown was like and tried to convince him how wonderful it was –he wasn’t sold. He told funny stories of his childhood, and every time she laughed, he gave himself a mental pat on the back. To prolong the date they ordered coffee and chatted some more. Sip, talk, laugh, sip, talk , laugh he got into a nice routine and thought to himself, man I can’t wait to write about this in my blog. Just kidding, what he really thought was how lucky he was to have met this girl with the ridiculously long scarf. By that time they were the only patrons in the restaurant. He continued talking and drinking coffee until his bladder was full and his teeth were started to stain yellow: maybe that’s why he brushed twice. But even good things come to an end and they headed home smelling like smoke, coffee, and shrimp scampi. The snow had stopped by then but the ground was covered with a fine powder which added an extra tranquility to the already serene Sunday night. He wanted to hold her hand but was too shy; next time, he thought, next time. They walked to her door and told each other what a wonderful time they had. He gave her a warm hug goodbye and watched her face light up. He played it cool as he walked slowly from her door but in his mind he was…

My Professor

So I don’t have a huge story behind this, but I just thought it was very funny and wanted to share it.

Yesterday I had a professor, a guy around his 60’s who gave a lecture on diabetes mellitus. He was an endocrinologist who had been practicing for a while. Everything he would say diabetes (pronounces diabeetEES), he would say diabeTIS instead. It seriously made me laugh. The word’s been around for a very long time, and almost no one says it like that. If you meet 100 people, odds are 99 will say diabetEES. Oh you don’t think diabeTIS is funny eh? Go ahead, say it out loud. Repeat after me, diabeTIS. It’s definitely rated LMFAO. And everytime this guy said it, I cracked up during lecture. Can you imagine how many times he said diabeTIS in the diabetes lecture (a lot)? I’ve been trying to explain this to classmates who weren’t at lecture, but they didn’t find it as amusing as I did. The sad thing; however, is that I’m finding myself saying diabeTIS too.

My Secrets

(Damnit... it's not what you think. This entry isn't about pikachu...)
People are always capable of surprising you; maybe that’s what makes life so unpredictable. Everyone has his own traits, idiosyncrasies, and secrets. Anyhow, here are five secrets that you probably never knew about me.

1.) When I first started watching Pokemon, I hated pikachu. He had to be all special and refuse the pokeball. I was totally team Charmander; he was so cute and had the biggest eyes. Squirtle was pretty cool too because he was head of the Squirtle Squad. But my mind changed after pikachu owned bigger and stronger Raichu… that was pretty bamf.

2.) I think it’s very nice of people to hold doors open for others. However, I’m very peculiar on door holding etiquette. I have my own set of rules of how to hold doors open for people. I get really annoyed when someone holds the door when you’re really far away –that’s just awkward because you don’t know if you should walk normally or run or do something in between. It’s also useless to hold the door slightly open for something. Come on, what’s the point of that, I still have to pull on it myself; you’re just wasting your time too. And if I thank you for holding the door for me, don’t reply with “uh huh.” That is not an appropriate substitute for “you’re welcome.”

3.) When I was in elementary school my dad told me the Guinness world record for someone collecting their own belly button crap was 5 lbs. I was totally amazed and wanted to set my own world record. Since belly button gunk would take forever to accumulate, I decided to amass ear wax. I think I spent a year collecting it and putting it into a cylindrical film container. It accumulated to about the size of a small walnut until I decided it was too much work. I don’t remember where I put it, but I really really really hope I find it someday.

4.) I have a major tell. Whenever I’m nervous I crack my right middle finger knuckle (the metacarpal-phalangeal joint) first and usually only that joint. And it cracks 99% of the time. If I’m bored I tend to crack that same finger’s second joint first then the knuckle.

5.) If I were a mutant in X-men I would choose Magneto’s side. I’d be pissed with people ostracizing me because I’m different. And plus if I joined Prof. Xavier’s side he would make me go to school; I’m a mutant, I shouldn’t go to school. So what kind of special power would I have? Teleportation would be cool at first, but it would get boring and it’s definitely not evil enough. No, my power would be to prevent anyone from talking or make any noise from his or her mouth for as long as I want. I hate obnoxious people and people who talk when I’m studying –problem solved. And I’d have Xavier’s ability to affect everyone in the world, so if I’m having a really craptastic day, I’d make the whole world stop talking. Everyone would be at my mercy. I’d be called RANcor…mwahahhaha… despicable me.

My Question

Everything was going smoothly. Although this was just a practice interview with a standardized patient, I was in the zone. I nailed every question from “Can you tell me more?” to “Have you been immunized?” I was probably so good that they could have taped my interview and showed it to students in the future. I was so good Oprah was probably taking lessons. Until… I had to ask that one question nobody likes to talk about. I knew I had to, but I was pushing it off until I had nothing else to ask. Most doctors don’t even ask this question unless it’s relevant, but they make us do it because it’s on the checklist. I guess it's part of a complete history.

“So… are you sexually active?” I asked the burly 65 year old male in front of me.
“Yes.”
“How active?” That is horribly phrased I thought.
“Couple times a week.”
“That’s good. Lucky you. Male, female or both?”
“I’ve been married to my wife, for 35 years.” He stared at me.
“Um… male, female or both?” Awkward!
“Female.”
“Do you have trouble getting or maintaining an erection?” For some reason I burst out laughing. If you ever played mafia with me, you’d know I’m very good at keeping a straight face. But for some reason on this particular day, I couldn’t control myself.
“Occasionally…”

And just like that time was up. During feedback, the standardized patient kindly told me to practice asking about sexual history and not laughing. LOL. But honestly… erection is a funny word.

My Interviews

“I hope you don’t think I’m crazy,” she added after she told me that she liked to inject infant mice with viruses and watch them die slowly at her research. Under comments I wrote, “questionable ethics,” and “perhaps a little too sadistic for medicine and maybe even her research.”

You see, I’m the all powerful, all knowing interviewer. I have lunch with prospective students and then I fill out an evaluation sheet on them. It’s great meeting all sorts of people from backgrounds I’ve never imagined. They come in all shapes, sizes, ages, races, but once they come here for interviews, I’m the interviewer and they’re my bitch for thirty minutes. Over lunch I can ask any ridiculous question and say any crazy blasphemy and get away with it. Usually I stick to my basic repertoire of questions; however, on days I’m feeling frisky I ask them philosophical questions like who’s cuter, Wall-E or nemo? If you were a disease what disease would you be? Who would win in a fight, Bruce lee or Jackie Chan? (one guy asked me to clarify who Jackie Chan was! I don’t think he got accepted) My questions could be a little out there sometimes, but I meet even quirkier people. Some try to cajole me by giving me part of their lunch –of course I take it but that doesn’t sway my evaluation. Some answer my questions with <5 words, while others talk till they’re blue. Some crack inappropriate jokes, and some brag about their partying habits. One girl complemented me on my clothes, and one guy gave me unwarranted dating advice. It’s definitely an eclectic bunch of people I get to interview. I can say I learn so much from these people and how fulfilling it is, but that’s not the case. To be honest, I just do it for the free lunch. However, I do learn something. Every time I sit down with an applicant, I’m reminded of the relatively easy road I had coming here compared to this person sitting in front of me. I definitely feel blessed with this great opportunity and that make me enjoy my free lunch so much more.

(I’d pick Wall-E…waallllllll-E)

My Courtesy

It was 9:30pm, but it felt like 2:30am. I was dead tired. The day started at 9am with classes and then studying, and then gym. My arms felt like jello and my brain felt like a computer running on safe mode. The only thing on my mind was climbing the stairs to my apartment and taking a long shower. As I got into my building I saw a girl and her mom moving in. We all saw each other and made eye contact so we were forced to engage in typical small talk:

“Are you a student here,” I asked
“Yeah, second year. You?” girl answered.
“Me too, wait I’ve never seen you before.”
“I never go to class”
“You should wake her up and drag her to class in the mornings,” her mom interjected.
“Um sure…” the conversation was pretty much dead, I walked to my door but to be courteous I asked, “Do you guys need help?”
They looked at each other and said something that rocked my world, “yeah sure.”
“Alright see you la…”

Wait WTH just happened I thought to myself. Are they allowed accept my offer. It wasn’t even a real offer, more like a fake offer to impress them with my chivalry. But I couldn’t back out now, so for 30 minutes I moved boxes labeled “clothes” while her mom did the heavy lifting like “books” and coffee tables.

These 30 minutes got me thinking. This dilemma is completely society’s fault. We place so much value on individualism, privacy, and self help that we distance ourselves from one another. We only focus on what’s good for me, what will help me succeed, and what will this do for me. Me me me! So much me, that we forget about him, her, and them. We have lost all desire to help others unless there’s something to be gained. What happened to the good old days when neighbors baked cakes for each other or when people would pull over to help fix your broken car. Instead we have created a pseudo-courteous way of dealing with people. For example, when we walk by an acquaintance (someone you know, but not too well yet you still have to say hello), we usually say “hi, how are you?” We don’t give a crap how he or she is doing; in fact we get annoyed if he answered with anything longer than “good.” How are you is just a polite greeting, with nothing sincere behind it. And maybe in a few years our society will get rid of “how are you” altogether. Frankly I’m not sure how to stop this loss of consideration for one another, but I know what I’m going to do…I’m going to bake her a f’ing cake.

My Nonpet Peeves

Ok to prove that I’m not a cranky old geezer who drinks ensure, I’ll give you a list of things I like. So here goes:

Ensure
Vegetables especially leafy ones
Naps
Blueberries
Oranges/ orange juice

I promise this list is going to get a lot hipper… right now!

Justin Bieber (jk)
Harry Potter (no jk, but JK Rowling… Why am I so witty?)
Jogs or long walks before sunrise
Lying in a pool or the beach on a really hot day
Jeans
Almost any sport except golf and baseball
Kemps/ charades/ mafia/ screw your neighbor
Seafood!!!!
dogs
African chicken
Pixar or Dreamworks Movies
Holding hands
Giving presents
Grocery shopping at asian supermarkets
Bubble tea
Free samples
Getting my ears cleaned
Lower back massages
Smiles
Cooking for people
People who are on time
Planning things out
Beta blockers
Genuine people
Taking pictures of inanimate objects
Sunday comics with yakult
Hot pots
Big family dinners
Making videos
Nice long random conversations with friends

Sometimes when you hit a low point, one little thing on a list like this can pick you right up.

My Pet Peeves

I am a man of many pet peeves. Some things just poke me the wrong way and I get annoyed very easily: kind of like the old man in the movie “UP.” We both get irritated with chubby boy scouts knocking on our door. We both are ridiculously stubborn. We both will do some pretty extreme stuff to get our way. And we both will develop hypertension (thank goodness for medicine). I guess we’re just wired differently. People tell me not to be so bothered by things, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my pet peeves. This world will honestly be a better place if some of my irritants are solved:

Lines
Long Lines
Jiggling legs
Talking in a “designated” silent study area
Waiting in doctor’s office
Getting put on hold for over 10 minutes
Patient’s rights
Malpractice lawsuits and insurance
Stink bugs
Rascist people
Tibetans
Textbooks with very little pictures
Loud people
Over controlling people
Metaknight
Hp products
When someone wakes me up (usually loud people)
Drunkards
Inconsiderate people
Traffic
Guns
Noise that continues for a long time like a leaky faucet or loud clock
People with no manners
Tolls

And the list goes on and on and on. Besides reminding you of how sh*ttastic this world we live in is, pet peeves can be a blessing in disguise. Through pet peeves, you learn to cherish things that never stood out to you and dealing with these little problems prepare you for the big ones. One day when I actually turn into that grumpy old man, I’ll strap some balloons to my house too.

My First Lie

(I got the inspiration for this story from mark twain's "My first lie, and how i got out of it.")

To be honest, this title is a lie. I do not remember the first time I lied. I do not even remember the second or third time I lied. But the first incidence I remember lying was when I was five. Since I was small for my age, my mom forced me to take a bunch of vitamins. Multi Vitamin, vit B, C, calcium, and Vit E was pretty much my breakfast. They all came in kid friendly chewable tablets shaped like fruits that tasted like dry walled covered with wax and sprinkled with sugar (not that I know what dry wall tastes like). Every bite made me want to gag as my stomach pleaded with me not to swallow. The only way I managed to consume the vitamins was by chasing it down with orange juice and whiskey (just kidding on the whiskey). After school when my mom would get off from work, she would ask me if I had taken my vitamins and I would say yes.

This went on for months until one morning I was running late to school and I didn’t have time to take my torture pills so I just hid them under the couch. When I came home my mom asked me if I had taken my vitamins. “Yes,” I said meekly. “Very good,” she replied. That was way too easy I thought to myself. Why would I even bother going through the mental and physical struggle of taking pills every morning when I could just stuff vitamins under the couch and lie about it? And thus began my daily fibs. Several more months had passed and I was lying in bed thinking about how clever I was. I bet you think I’m a horrible person lying to my mom like that. The truth is; you probably would have done the same. I lie, you lie, even honest Abe lied to his mom. I did feel guilty, in fact I kind of feel guilty now; however, that particular night I was reveling in my freedom from vitamins. As I was about to fall asleep my mom kicked open my door and flicked the lights on. I knew right away I was in deep doodoo. She walked over to my bed with a bowl and poured hundreds of dust covered fruity vitamins onto my covers.

“You lied to me. Why don’t you eat your vitamins?”
“I…” smack right ontop of the head. I didn’t know that was a rhetorical question.
“It’s one thing to not eat your vitamins, it’s worse to lie about it.”
“Yeah but, they taste so bad and there are so many.”
“Ok, we’ll get you some better tasting ones and only the multi vitamin. Tell us if you don’t like it. Just don’t lie anymore.” Then my mom left.
“Wait, what about these dirty pills on my bed?!”

From that day on, I never had anymore problems with taking vitamins. I realized how easy it would have been if I had just told my parents about my dislike towards fruity vitamins –much easier than hiding it under the sofa.

Today I called my mom to make sure she took her vitamins.

My Undergrad

So I’ve been out of Lehigh for a good year now, but this is the first time I feel like I’m really done with Lehigh. I don’t know when I’ll ever visit again especially since finding parking there is a hassle (Didn’t pay my $50 ticket, take that President Gast). What I do know is that Lehigh and all the friends I made there will keep me company in my memories. I thought it would be fun to jot down the top 5 memories as quickly as I can from each year and then go back and put in my own commentary for each one.

Freshman:
1.) First day of school I met everyone in my hall. Decided to befriend Jason, Miguel, and possibly Shuo.
(I’m in a single, this sucks, I’m not going have anyfriends, I must find people quick!)

2.) RUF bbq with Jason, Miguel, Steph and Garrett. Then staying up till 3 to play screw your neighbor.
(A-team!)

3.) Miguel’s bday at Perkins. Jason embarrassed himself, everyone at the table, and possibly all Koreans.
(I thought there’s no way I’m ever going to eat out with Jason again. A la mode? Really?)

4.) Charades. Every session was fun overload.
(One of my favorite was when Danger Dan confused dancing queen with dancing queer.)

5.) The Steph video!
(I don’t know how we got 30 minutes of video. I don’t know why we did it during finals and not earlier. Not sure why I became Randina either. But if I had to, I’d do it again in a heartbeat.)

Sophmore:
1.) Mafia with everyone we could find.
(I remember my goal was to kill Miguel as often as possible)

2.) I asked out the cutest girl at Lehigh.
(Dana’s #2. "Can I tell you something?" "No")

3.) Trip to NYC with subfree.
(nice way to celebrate a birthday, and even MOMA turned out to be fun.)

4.) Making video #2 for Steph with surprisingly good results.
(hey there Stephanie!)

5.) Wacthing Frozen on valentine’s.
(Three hours I won’t get back.)

Junior:
1.) We replaced mafia with kemps.
(1,2,3, A,B,C. It’s lovely weather today! Stop kemps!)

2.) Our first anniversary. Thai kitchen?
(Roses are over priced.)

3.) Visit to Bethlehem Star.
(I still can’t believe we convinced Phoebe who was studying for a test to drive the 8 of us up there.)

4.) Throwing sock balls at each other’s crotch because that’s what real men do.
(How are we in graduate school?).

5.) Hawaii trip; a week of beautiful weather, breathtaking beaches, and great company.
(Mahalo)

There you have it. Because of these memories made with you guys, Lehigh was worth all $43,000 a year. I challenge you to take a stroll down memory lane and make your own list –you’ll be surprised how much you’ve done in these few years.

My Cliffhanger

Never have I thought that this would happen to me. After 22 years of watching it on tv and listening to friends talk about it, I have yet to experience it. I’ve always considered it an urban legend, a myth, a fable to teach the greedy. Surely after all these years, technology would have fixed this problem by now, right? WRONG. This happened to me two days ago, but rest assured I lived through it.

It was 4pm, and I had just finished class and had been studying for an hour when the hunger that had been growing since 2pm kicked into another gear. Every line I read reminded me of my need: “There are many secreted bacterial products including enzymes and steak. ‘DAMNIT, that can’t be right.’” Then I read a little further about endotoxins causing hypoglycemia which convinced me that I have low blood sugar right now and pretty soon my organs are going to shut down and go into shock. You might be assuming that this starvation is the “problem” I mentioned earlier. Well don’t assume. This gnawing hunger wasn’t the quandary I’m writing about, it’s the sequence of events that took place after I decided to hunt for food.

I was in the school, and the cafeteria had closed already, which left me with vending machines. I ran to the vending machine and surveyed my array of choices. Chips and candy bars are not usually my favorite but in my state of craving, the cooler ranch looked like baby back ribs and the twix looked like lobsters. I wanted it all. I looked into my wallet and had a twenty and an one. As I was uncreasing (Microsoft word tells me this is not a word, but screw spellcheck) my twenty, I noticed the machine only takes $1 bills. %#(%&#(*%& I took out my Washington and tried to find the heaviest snack. A bag of TGIF potato skins was the winner. I put in my dollar and punched in 134 –a number I will never forget. The hook unwound and the bag moved toward the drop area. I was watching it move slowly and slowly with a salivating smirk until… now I’m not a real fan of the phrase FML, but if there ever was a FML moment, it was now. As the bag was about to fall, it wobbled a little at the edge and somehow leaned backwards and clung onto its shelf. I stared in disbelief. Really? This kind of thing really happens? “Ok think, what do people usually do to solve this problem?” I hung my head, turned around and walked a few dejected steps away. Then charged the machine and smacked right into the front plastic window. It turned out to be extremely pliable and just bounced me right back. It was probably designed by engineers to prevent morons like me from ramming the thing. Touché. I couldn’t hit the side of the machine because it was flanked by two other ones, so all I could do is kick it from the bottom. I made such a commotion that the cleaning lady came over and asked me if I was ok. I really wasn’t but I said everything’s fine. She walked over to the machine and saw my bag of chips sitting defiantly on its perch, “That’s tough kiddo, you just have to put in another dollar.” I gave her the “if I had another dollar I would have used it by now” stare. She immediately understood. As I was about to give up, I realized I had quarters in my book bag for laundry! With renewed gusto I grabbed my coins (washing clothes is overrated anyways) and popped them in and punched 134. Lo and behold, both bags of chips fell down! Freedom! I tore open the first bag and with unwashed hands grabbed the chips and shoveled it into my mouth. I laughed, I cried, and I ate some more.

I’ll end my essay with the way President Obama ended his inaugural address, “Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.” Amen Brother!

My Hero

Remember in elementary school when your teacher made you write about your hero. Of course they were specific about your hero being a real person who affected your life. At the age of nine I only knew “superheroes” like batman, superman, and power rangers. I really couldn’t think of anyone so I decided to look into my history book for the coolest mother ducker out there. Henry the VIII? Way too promiscuous. Napoleon? Way too French. Aha! Just the right guy. I had flipped right onto Joseph Stalin. According to history, he helped defeat Hitler, built one of the largest armies at the time, and then competed with the US for nukes. And he had a city named after him; where’s your city Mr. Obama? Then I proceeded to write about how he saved the world from Nazis and if it weren’t for him, we would all be German. It actually turned out to be a decent paper and I was pretty proud of it.

At dinner time, my dad asked me about school, and I told him I had just finished an essay and I would like him to proof read it. After we ate, I handed him my masterpiece and watched his face intently. Within moments of reading he almost threw up: “Are you seriously writing about Stalin? Do you know who he is?”

“A Russian leader? Are you rascist against Russians dad?”

“What? No I’m not, Stalin is a genocidal dictator”

“That’s why he’s my hero! Wait what does genocidal and dictator mean?”

“It means he’s a bad guy who killed a lot of people.”

“So the paper’s not good?”

“It’s worse than the one where you quoted rap. Try writing about someone who actually made a difference in your life instead of some tyrant in your history book.”

I went back to my room and thought long and hard about what to write. After awhile, it suddenly became clear who I should write about. I picked up my pencil and proceeded: Although he doesn’t like Russians, my dad is still my hero…

My Grammar

My Grammar

Don’t it make you winces when someone say “He never knew no one named Nathan?” It sure do for me. Now I ain’t no grammar police, but I does like to speak wright English. It’s imperative for this nation and especially the country to speak goode. We as the next generation has to let the other nations known that we can master ours own language. A person thats can speak well will translate into success in their line of work as well. And since we’s entering young adulthood, we have to leadeth a grate example for our childrens. Here is a bunches of grammar tips that can help you lead a smarter life (some are courtesy of Reader’s Digest).

Incorrect usage: Hopefully
Correct usage: I hope
Why: Hopefully means in a hopeful manner such as “I hopefully watched him return.” “Hopefully, I can get some studying done” is not the same as “I hope I can get some studying done”

Incorrect usage: The reason is because
Correct usage: The reason is that
Why: “because” is implied in “reason”

Incorrect usage: I laid down on the couch
Correct usage: I lied down on the couch
Why: You “lay” down objects like a book. You don’t lay yourself down. If you’re wondering about “getting laid”, I don’t know…probably the wrong place to be looking

Incorrect Usage: PIN number
Correct Usage: PIN
Why: PIN means personal identification NUMBER

Incorrect: For all intensive purposes
Correct: For all intents and purposes
Why: because you’re stuuupid. (jk)

Incorrect: very unique
Correct: unique
Why: you can’t get more unique than something that’s already unique.

Incorrect: I literally laughed my head off
Correct: I laughed my head off
Why: Really? Did you really actually laugh your head off? Because if you did then I want to hear that joke too.

Incorrect: comprises of or comprised of
Correct: comprises
Why: think of comprises the same as includes. No need to say, “My group includes of John, Joan, and Jack.”

Don’t worry, no one’s grammar is perfect, but you can use some of these tips to be a pompous blowhard and show your friends up. Then you will soon have no friends and resort to writing blogs like I. I mean me.

My Modest Proposal

(This is written in the style of Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal." If you have never read it, please peruse it before reading my essay http://emotionalliteracyeducation.com/classic_books_online/mdprp10.htm :it’s a great read.)

It is a melancholy object to those, who reside in this great nation, or to visit the country, when they see females struggle in the workplace and schools. These women, who instead of bearing a great multitude of children like the Lord intended, are forced to employ all their time crunching numbers, writing reports, and studying for exams so they can climb the ladder of the workplace for a better position, which pays less than their male counterparts, and constantly live in fear of being laid off.

Just the other day, I took a test on the same table as a particularly nervous girl. Our table probably registered a 5 on the Richter Scale thanks to her trembling legs. And halfway through the test she decided to go into a coughing fit. She was one "ahem" from getting her neck snapped. Later in the week, I visited my friends at Lehigh, where my friend, Phoebe, was having a remarkably hard time with her two assignments. Most of her male counterparts probably had finished their projects with ease, but Phoebe needed the help of an all nighter accompanied with a healthy dose of bitching. I pity these girls, I really do. It is not that they are not hardworking or driven –they certainly are. However, I have found numerous factors through my research that contribute to this, and after maturely weighing the situation I devised my own plan for the betterment of our society.

I shall now therefore, humbly propose my own thoughts which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing neuroscience acquaintance that a female’s XX chromosomes predisposes her to a brain with a smaller frontal cortex and a larger somatosensory cortex as compared to a male. This means that she has a decreased ability to plan, think, and problem solve, but more receptive to pain and other stressful factors. Her limbic system, which is the emotion center, is also disproportionately large. The females body is made for a sedentary lifestyle with minimal traveling outside the house, and her delicate hands best for sewing and chopping. I do therefore humbly offer to public consideration, that of the 147.8 million females in the United States, 10 million be reserved for female only professions like actresses, maids, and ob-gyns and the rest be pulled from the workforce and barred from schools.

I reckon that with the removal of females from offices and classrooms, two big dilemmas will be solved. Firstly, our economy will boom. Unemployment rate will plummet to near 0. Companies with all male employees will greatly increase profits and won’t be hampered by maternity leave (which costs the nation billions). The workplace will be more peaceful after eliminating pms and sexual harassment suits. Secondly, classrooms will reduce in size to allow for better quality education to the more deserving. Top quality education for XY individuals is what we need. Don’t get me wrong, girls won’t be totally left out. There will be government run seminars to teach little girls about etiquette, fashion, and sewing. Reading classes will be established so girls can proficiently read recipes. Females will therefore have adequate time to start a family instead of having to worry about role conflicts between motherhood and worker.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, I have not the least bit of prejudice against women, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our slumping economy, providing for undereducated and unemployed, and helping females be better spouses.

The End.

(All facts especially the ones about the female brain and body are not true. Girls are just as smart and capable as boys. But pms is very very true.)

My Aging

BEEPBEEPBEEP! That's usually how many beeps before I shoot out of bed and turn off my alarm clock like a cobra -if only cobras had hands...or alarm clocks ...or a reason to get up at 7 freaking AM (my reason was gross anatomy lab). However, today as I was springing out of bed, I fell right back down clutching my thigh and gluteus maximus in pain. Last night I decided to run a little extra on the treadmill, and I think I was paying the price. It's been a while since I've ran on the treadmill and I was feeling particularly energized yesterday, so I 1.5 speeded my normal pace, which is also the speed I watch my online lectures at. But now it seems that my heart is pumping lactic acid instead of blood to my lower body. Out of all the times i've exercised in my life, this could possibly the sorests I've ever been. As I lied in bed with my life flashing before my eyes and the stupid alarm clock still beeping, I thought to myself: man I'm getting old.

Sooner of later you'll realize it; you can't run as fast as you used to, you can't remember someone's name, or you don't laugh at things like homo erectus anymore. Those are telltale signs of aging. Lately, I've been feeling older and perhaps wiser (yeah wiser). It's very interesting to observe how your body changes. One way I gauge how old I'm getting is by the amount of noise I make while doing stuff. For instance, I've noticed that I grunt a little everytime I bend down to tie my shoes. I "yeerrr" when i get out of a crouched position. And for especially tough occasions like touching my toes or opening a jar of pickles, I let out a "rawr."

Aging is not just a physical thing, there's a mental aspect as well. I try to lead a healtheir lifestyle even if it means passing up on some big macs. Just last year, I got hooked on ensure. My roommates laughed at first, but they quickly caught on too. Pretty soon we became the old geezers on campus gulping down bottles of ensure and telling kids to pull their pants up. I've also been buying more celery and carrots, not because they taste good, but for the fiber. You laugh now, but we'll see who's laughing when you haven't gone in a week. Healthy eating is only half the story. I put my fear of treadmills (they should be called dreadmills) aside to get more cardio in. Also if the weather's nice, I go for a walk after dinner -I feel like my parents. I'm pretty much one step away from doing tai chi with my grandparents.

Growing older is a part of life, and it's our job to adapt to it. As for me, I smacked the snooze button and let my old body rest a few more minutes.

My Thesis

Every year, a few weeks after Punxsutawney Phil sticks his big furry head out of his groundhog hole, comes the glorious month of March. March is famous for Spring, my birthday, and SPARTA! (get it? This is Madness!) The madness I'm talking about is none other than March Madness. It is the time of year where millions of patriotic Americans fill in their brackets. The action and drama sucks you in and keeps you addicted. What is it about this college basketball tournament that makes you check score updates every five minutes when you know you should be studying for the physiology final? I believe it's because March Madness has so many sublime life lessons that we do not even know we're taking in. We may be too ignorant (or "ig" as my friend Jason likes to say) and stubborn to take in these ideas from everyday life, but it's much easier to digest if it's neatly packaged into a nice-microwavable-ready to eat bracket format. If you think about it, college basketball is just like life. Disagree? Maybe you'll understand after my points:

1. Some schools, no matter how hard they play will never make it to the big dance (dance is another name for the tournament).
2. There are some schools that only settle for winning it all, while for others, simply getting into the tournament is a good enough story to tell their grand kids. GO LEHIGH!
3. There are certain people who claim to have it figured out, but if you look at their brackets, it's no better than yours
4. Sometimes you're just better off guessing.
5. The best teams last year (UNC, UCONN) aren't even in the tournament this year.
6. There's always a winner and a loser.
7. It's not the end of the world if you lose, there's next year.
8. There are worse things if your pick Florida lost to BYU, like if your pick to win the whole tournament(Lehigh), lost in the first round.
9. People get hurt, tears are shed, and dreams are shattered.
10. Companies try to make as big a profit on the tournament as they can, while the players don't get paid a cent.
11. People like to cheer for the cinderellas; happily ever after is nice indeed -unless the underdog is Lafayette College, then you'd just point and laugh.
12. Each 16th seed has a chance to beat the first seed, but that doesn't mean it has ever happened or will happen (16th vs. 1st are 0-102). There's a chance life came from slime, but that doesn't mean it did.

The game doesn't just come to life; it is a piece of life contained in a 50 by 100 feet wooden rectangle. And for a couple of weeks we get to watch every aspect of it -for free! (Fine for a small fee if you have to pay for cable or internet) So I advise you to take some time and enjoy a little learning experience. Oh yeah #13: It's much more fun with friends and family.

My Intro

Remember in grade school when teachers made you do an intro with a thesis, a body with a reason, and a conclusion with a closing statement: well this will be my intro to the blog. Don't expect too much from my because I never really paid attention in English class. I'm starting this blog because my girlfriend recently made one and let me tell you, it's pretty laudable (take that SAT vocab). She writes much better than me : most of my documents are tainted with red squiggly lines. Her thoughts are well organized and coherent whereas mine are more like a prisoner typing for his life before he gets caught. But I'll give this blogging business a try. Heck if people like Andre Agassi, who never graduated highschool, can write a readable book, perhaps I can muster a haiku or two.

So back to what I was saying about intros and thesises (thesi? thesizes? Theses? I don't know...heh but theses rhymes with feces). In school, I remember working harder trying to come up with great opening sentence than I would for the entire paper. I remember specifically one time in 5th grade I had to write a paper about democracy. My paper began: "Over two hundred years ago, our nation was founded on democracy." Not too shabby right? Wrong! My teacher pretty much used every word but lame to critique my essay. So i decided to step it up for my next assignment on censorship in today's media. My opener was, " 'There ain't no guy slicker than this young nigga,' rapped Puff Daddy in his song, 'Can't nobody hold me down.' " That earned me a nice talk with my teacher and a C+ -apparently quoting rap is not appropriate for public school. Come on, if Hemingway write can bitch, puta, and me cago en la leche, I should be allowed to throw the "n" word around (by the way Hemingway is probably my favorite author and if you have never read his books that's probably because your illiterate). All in all, I thanked Mr. Sean Combs, and continued with my gansta ways.